According to therapists, a few carefully chosen words can diffuse a heated argument and transform a conflict into a solvable issue. Here’s a look at how a simple reminder that “we’re on the same team” can turn arguments into constructive conversations.
A Surprising Key to Conflict Resolution
After ten years of marriage, Ashley still found herself in emotionally charged arguments with her husband over issues like career choices and family responsibilities. Their work-life balance was often the main topic, leading to heated exchanges. But one day, Ashley found a solution that transformed their approach to conflict. She simply said to her husband, “Hey, remember, we’re on the same team.”
This phrase, she realized, shifted the tone of the conversation. “By saying these words, you remind yourselves that you’re not enemies. It allows you to listen, compromise, and work toward a solution rather than getting stuck in confrontation,” she shared.
Why It Works, According to Therapists
Family therapists confirm that this reminder can quickly deescalate conflicts. Used thoughtfully (and not too frequently, as overuse can diminish its power), this phrase changes the conversation into a collaborative effort rather than a battle. It helps partners remember that marriage is a team sport and not about individual victories.
Psychologist Marie Land explains, “Saying ‘we’re on the same team’ shows a commitment to the relationship and a willingness to work together despite differences.” Even a brief pause, like taking ten seconds to breathe, can help both partners calm down, opening the door to a more productive conversation.
Strengthening the Phrase’s Impact Over Time
The power of this phrase grows as you use it. When you remind your partner that you’re a team, it reinforces a sense of partnership, helping them trust that you can find common ground. According to therapist Jennifer Chappell Marsh, this reminder emphasizes both the “what” (the topic) and the “how” (the way it’s discussed) of any conversation.
Often, simple discussions turn into conflicts because of the approach. Marsh explains that arguments are doomed from the start when people communicate defensively. “You might win an argument, but you lose sight of the bigger goal.” The phrase “we’re on the same team” encourages partners to face the real issue together rather than fighting each other.
Why Do We Fight to Win?
Chappell Marsh suggests that the need to “win” stems from a basic desire to be heard and validated. Winning a conflict might seem like a guarantee that your perspective will be acknowledged. On a primal level, winning feels like a form of safety. However, losing an argument can bring fear and insecurity, leading people to either retreat or defend themselves aggressively.
This survival instinct is why many people adopt a combative approach, forgetting the value of teamwork. For some, learning to embrace the concept of being on the same team can be challenging.
A Personal Journey to “Team Mentality”
Marriage coach Trey Morgan, married for 31 years, uses the team approach regularly now, but it took years to adopt this mindset. “We used to argue just to prove who was right, even wishing the other would be wrong. It took us time to realize we’re in this together. Either we win together, or we lose together,” he shared with Huffpost.
When Trey and his wife adopted the “same team” perspective, their relationship improved significantly. “Once you remember this, you naturally calm down,” he says.
Practical Steps to Embrace the “Same Team” Mentality
When you’ve embraced the concept of teamwork, how can you apply it in a disagreement? Family therapist Winifred Reilly advises asking questions that allow you to understand your partner’s perspective. “Ask questions like, ‘What matters most to you here?’ ‘What upset you?’ ‘What do I need to understand?’” she suggests. Instead of asserting your position, seek to understand.
Reilly concludes with a powerful reminder: “When one person ‘wins’ and the other ‘loses,’ both partners lose in the end. Even if things go your way, finding a compromise is always more beneficial in the long run.”
By remembering that you’re on the same team, you can transform conflicts into cooperative problem-solving and strengthen your relationship over time.