Everyone can fall into this trap.
Some people expertly use guilt to manipulate others and achieve their goals, making it hard for the target to notice the manipulation right away. So how can you tell when you’re being manipulated, and when it’s time to break free from these dangerous connections? Psychologist Jamie Cannon, in her article for Psychology Today, highlighted three key signs that indicate manipulation is at play.
1. The “Victim” Mentality
The first and perhaps most obvious sign of manipulation is when someone positions themselves as the perpetual victim. Manipulators rarely take responsibility for their actions or words. Instead, they present themselves as the ones who have been wronged, planting seeds of guilt in those around them. Why reflect on personal mistakes when they can shift the burden of guilt onto others and bask in the attention, apologies, and sympathy?
Manipulators love sharing stories of their emotional turmoil, sleepless nights, and perceived injustices, making it clear that someone else—whether a partner, friend, or colleague—is to blame for their suffering. Whether it’s through a hurtful comment, a critical glance, or a perceived slight, manipulators will use any excuse to avoid accountability and get others to do their bidding.
2. Constant Reminder of Superiority
The second sign is the manipulator’s tendency to remind you of their superiority while subtly highlighting your flaws. An example might be a partner who constantly says how much they’ve done for you, only to follow it up with how you haven’t measured up. Phrases like, “I’ve always been there for you, but you…” or “I did so much for you, and you…” are meant to lower your self-esteem and reinforce their control over the relationship.
Manipulators have an amazing ability to remember their own good deeds but conveniently forget the contributions of others—especially those close to them who regularly sacrifice their own needs to meet the manipulator’s demands. This behavior often leads to a one-sided dynamic, where the manipulator’s needs always take priority.
3. Keeping a “Scorecard” of Favors
The third sign of manipulation is when someone keeps reminding you of what you “owe” them. Manipulators tend to keep a mental list of all the favors they’ve done for you, ready to bring it up when they want something in return. Often, they offer their help only to use it later as leverage for their own benefit. “I did this for you, now you owe me,” is their unspoken motto.
If someone constantly reminds you of how they’ve “helped you” and expects something in return, it’s time to reassess the relationship. Healthy relationships—whether romantic, friendly, or professional—are based on mutual respect and support, not on using favors as a tool for manipulation. Remember, it’s not normal to always feel like you owe someone something.
By recognizing these signs, you can protect yourself from toxic relationships and stand firm in setting boundaries.
